My Biggest Fear

So I was watching reruns of "Grey's Anatomy" today and it got me thinking about my life and my biggest fears. I never really knew that I had a really big fear. Most people are afraid of dying but I'm not. I know where I'm going...maybe not which level of the celesitial kingdom...but I know that at least I will be able to see my family again. I'm not scared of that...my biggest fear is cancer. That's my biggest fear. I don't know why I have the unrational fear of the disease. Maybe it's the pain that is associated with it. I saw what my neice went through. I work in a hospital so I see and hear things about the disease that just scare the crap out of me. I have a ton of health problems now that can easily take over and debilitate me...I don't want it to happen but if it does, I know it's my own fault for not taking care of myself the way I should...but cancer...to me that's different. You can only do so much. It's like a monster that has it's own mind and thought pattern. Maybe I'm just being retarded and thinking about my mortality because today is my birthday but I really am worried about it. I don't want to die a painful death with a monster inside me that won't go away. That slowly takes over and consumes me.

I don't mean to be dramatic or stupid...but it's something that I think about occasionally....something that I occasionally worry about...and it's been on my mind today. So I will now leave you with something else to think about. IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!! I had a great day today...granted....I did sleep most of the day but it was uninterupted sleep and it was beautiful. I only woke up because my lil kitten, Amelia, was trying to fluff me. Aren't I fluffy enough??? LOL!! But anyway, I may have some interesting stories after this weekend! Stay tuned!!!

Getting older

So it is officially my birthday now. I thought that I would be so freakin excited but you know, i am actually kind of depressed. I'm not even 30 yet and I'm already not wanting to age! LOL!!! I know it can't be helped but i'm just not in the celebrating mood i guess. It could stem from lack of funds too. That definitely has something to do with it! What's the point of having a day to celebrate you getting older when you have nothing to celebrate with?? I am getting a cake from a woman that I work with even though I'm paying $20 for it...but still!!!! I have to work that day...but it's overtime and that's fine with me. I think what I'm going to do is celebrate my birthday on my next paycheck. Yep...I think that's what I'm gonna do. I took Tony to Queeny Tower Restaurant for his birthday. I think we may do that for mine! Maybe I can get a couple of new scrub tops on Friday. But you see, all of that is on a badge. It's like a credit card only the payments come out of my paycheck. It's actually pretty freakin cool! Except it tends to get me into some trouble sometimes!

So anyway, back to my lack of birthday money. I really want to go see my grandma but I don't want to have anything to do with my aunts that are taking care of her this week. I really just want to take her out and just have some fun with her. Actually, what I really would like to do is have her over to my house with my mom and George. Maybe fix some awesome Italian food and just spend some time together. I think that's what I am going to plan. Maybe I can get my cousin to come over too! That would just be so much fun! I think I would totally enjoy that. A lil family get-together!!! So that's totally what i am going to plan!!! I am brilliant!!! Wonder if my Aunts are going to be gone by then!?! Oh, you know what, I don't think one of them is...crap. Ok...so maybe a different weekend! You know what, why do I have to change my weekends because of her. Why do I have to change my life because of her. I'm already putting her before me and that makes her win...nope....not doing it. I WILL HAVE MY PARTY THIS WEEKEND...if I can get my house cleaned fast enough! Ok, so that's decided!! I'm kinda excited!!

Okay, so I ramble a lot...you don't have to be reading this far down! LOL!!! I'm outta here...I'm tired and I'm at work.

TTFN!

Frustrations

I am so blasted frustrated right now...so if you don't want to read about how horrible and frustrated that I feel...well, then you can just move on to your next blog because I'm about to vent!

I love my job. I love the people that I worked with...mainly the techs. There are a ton of people that drive me up the wall at my new job. I am just really not feeling the new people...except for maybe a couple. See, here's what I think...i think that there will be cliques in this new department and I'm just not down with that. I am frustrated because everyone here had someone that they met in orientation. They came into this job with a "friend." I didn't. I transferred in so I didn't know anyone in my training class. I am just not the type of person that assimilates herself into other "cliques" well. That's just not how I am. I take a while to warm up to new people. I'm not the "go getter" type I guess. I had visions of being a lead quickly...i don't see that happening anymore. I see myself transfering out of this department in a year. I don't know...maybe I'm just being retarded but I really hate it when I set goals for myself that seem achievable but then quickly turn out to not be that way.

Anyway, I'm not nearly done venting...but I'm tired of being whiney at the moment. Everyone is at lunch right now and I'm just sitting here typing away and not really paying attention to anyone else...maybe i'm being...i can't even think of the word...but whatever. I'm just wishing right now that some moron hadn't stolen my stupid pita chips! I'm hungry and now I don't get to eat until after i get out of the frickin office...i'm pissed!

It's been a while!

wow...so it's been a while since I have had a chance to blog. Things have been kind of busy these days. I have started my new job...and am totally loving it! The people in this office are so nice and wonderful! I feel like I belong here...not like what it did in the old office. It's a nice change!! I enjoy coming to work..even though it's at the crack of dawn. I am definitely not a morning person...that's for sure!!!

Anyway, not much has been going on since I last wrote. The only BIG new is my new job...but I really don't know what my job is going to be like...i'm just doing temp stuff until we move the office on the 31st of August. So I will definitely have more to tell you later!

This one is going to be short...cause I just don't have anything to say!

A constant state of confusion

Holy cow....i had no idea that transferring positions was going to be so freakin difficult! Don't get me wrong...I am so freakin excited about this new position and the new possiblities and new work environment...I just hope all this drama is worth it!!! Okay, so confused yet?? Let me tell you what's going on! Here's the latest scoop!

So a last week, my boss brings me into her office and asks me if I think that she's blocking my transfer or whatever. I'm obviously going to say no!!! Duh!!! Anyway, I'm not really sure if she even can...who knows!! So, the a few days after that, I get an interview with the Telemetry department for a brand new position...so new that they don't even have a job description of what I'm supposed to be doing! I'm all excited. I am so thrilled with this opportunity! My interview went great...I could just feel the acceptance after this interview...I knew that I nailed it! So, a transfer to a new department is what I have wanted since day 2!! I was stoked! A new office, a new software program, a new position, and a new boss, and new people to get to know! Rock on! Easy Peasy right?? Uh, since when has my life ever been easy??

So, I get offered the position after Michelle, my new manager, spoke with Christi. The day after that I accepted the position with HR, I went in to speak with Christi to let her know that I accepted the job and that I was hoping for a release to a different position. She told me that she was going to grant my release but she didn't have a start date for me and I couldn't leave until she found a replacement for me...or two weeks, whichever came first. The way it sounded to me was like I was never going to get out of here...so Tiffany completely panics! Holy Crap!! She really is going to try and block this transfer...that was my first thought. Fast forward a few days...Christi calls me in to give me my review...which was perfect by the way!...and then she tells me that my last day is Sunday....uh...what?? Like 2 days ago, it sounds like I'm going to be stuck here forever and then all the sudden I'm out in less than 2 weeks!!! So here I am, a transferred person with an awesome job waiting for me...the problem...my job wasn't going to start until Aug. 16th. Yeah, 2 weeks of nothing to do for money! So, that's not the end of the world...I can handle a couple of weeks of vacation!! Uh yeah, so now it's changed again...yep...this is the confusing part...I'm supposed to report to my new manager on Monday. The poor woman has no idea what to do with me for a MONTH...yep, you read that right. They changed the stupid date again...our move in date to our new office is now Aug 31st. Anyway, my training date isn't supposed to be until Aug 23rd now....oh boy! What am I supposed to do for a freakin month??? Well, let's hope something comes out right with this transfer!!! Wish me luck! Sheesh!

Fabulous News!

Many of you know that I have been trying to transfer out of my office to a different department at Barnes. Well....it finally happened!!!! I am so excited to announce that I am transferring to the telemetry department. I'm not sure of my exact transfer date, but it's coming soon...i can feel it! I'm excited! It's going to be a new experience with an opportunity to learn a new skill and a new department. I totally like my new manager. She seems so sweet and caring...I just don't think that I would ever want to cross her!! I'm looking forward to my 12 hour days and only having to work like 3 days a week! LOVE IT!!! And i get to wear scrubs...now to some that doesn't seem like an exciting thing but I love them! Not only are they completely comfortable, I don't really have to stress about what to wear to work. All I need is like 6 scrub outfits and I'm good to go. I won't have to do laundry for two weeks!!! Rock on!! Anyway, as I know more about the position and things I will definitely keep you all informed! I'm so excited it's ridiculous!

Okay, so now on to some other stuff. I'm getting ready to start my canning for the year. I decided this year that I only wanted to can some jams and jellies this year. It's going to be kind of a stressful time of year with Tony starting school and all so I thought I would keep it simple. I'm excited to see where the rest of this year is going to take us and what we can do to try and keep our heads above water. I'm going to try and get my student loans out of default and then I'm going to go back to school to finish my degree...should only take me a couple of years, and by the time I'm done, Tony should only have another year. Hopefully by then, we will have figured out where we want to stay for a while. I think we may move one more time after school is over for us. Who knows, we might even move out of state.

So back to the jams and jellies. I have figured out which ones I want to make this year. I'm gonna be busy as there are quite a few of them. One of the ladies I work with now is going to get me some of her apples from her tree so I'm pretty stoked about that. I will be able to make some apple butter and maybe a couple of jars of applesauce, but that's as far as I'm going to go with that this year. I made a ton of applesauce last year and some of them went bad so I'm not sure I want to do that this year.

So here's my list of jams and jellies:

pomegranate jelly
rosy apple cider jelly
strawberry kiwi jam
candy apple jelly
peach jam
pineapple kiwi jam
strawberry pineapple jam

There may be a few more added to this list but I'm pretty happy with the ones that have been selected for this year. I'll definitely post some pics and recipes as they are completed. It will take some time because I have to go and get the jars and find my canner...i still haven't unpacked it yet.

So much to do still. I can't wait to get my scrap room organized and get that all situated. With Tony's pell grant money, we have talked about getting a new futon for the living room and getting some other things that are necessaties for us. We are happy that we are going to be able to pay for some things that we need. I can't wait to go back to school so we can have enough money for more things that we want and need to do.

Well, I think I'm going to say goodnight for now. I'm not feeling good and I want to lay my head down! Hope you all have a blessed day tomorrow!

A new opportunity

Hi all!! So we had a wonderful weekend and it's been a pretty good start to this week. My cousin Emma got married this last Saturday at a vineyard in Ste. Genevieve, MO. It's called the Cave vineyard. Yep...only my cousin would get married in a cave!!! LOL!! It was absolutely gorgeous. Candles everywhere made it a romantic and just a lovely reception. I have never seen such a wonderfully happy couple. Evan is just such an awesome guy for her! I think it's a match made in heaven! As soon as I can get some pics up, I will be sure to post them. I wanna make her a lil scrapbook album of her wedding photos that Tony's dad took. He is quite the photographer when he takes the time! I'm actually very impressed with some of the pics that I have already seen. Emma just glowed with happiness. The ceremony was lovely. The pastor said some wonderful things about marriage and i even loved how he added that they can be married for eternity. I thought that was a beautiful sentiment. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we believe in eternal marriage as long as a person is sealed in the temple. Emma isn't a member of the Church and neither is Evan. I like knowing that they still have a chance at eternity even though they aren't sealed together in the temple. I'm not sure how the Church would feel about a pastor from another church saying that married couples will be together for eternity, but when this one said it, it felt completely right to me. Now, I'm not saying that what my church says is wrong, but one of the things that always bugged me is that why are we the only ones that can be with our spouses for eternity. Why can't other couples who aren't member be together for eternity? Why does it just have to be us? These are just one of the things that bugs me and some of the questions that I have. I don't really know why I am questioning things that I have grown up knowing to be true...or maybe I just thought they were because my parents told me they were...and as a child, a parent knows all! I don't know. It's just something that I need to work out for my self i guess!

So anyway, back to why this is titled "A new Opportunity." I had a job interview today for a position that I really hope that I get. It's a new position in the Telemetry department. Basically it's a receptionist position but there is more opportunities to grow in this position. I will start out at the bottom but since this is a brand new position, there won't be many people starting with me. So as the department grows, I may be able to be a trainer or a lead. Maybe even so far as a supervisor eventually. I really like the manager of the department. I think it would be a great fit for me. It's a 12 hour shift, 3 days a week but I would be paid for 40 hours. I am really hoping that I get this job. I did the best I could with the interview, now it's up to Christi...my supervisor now. I really hope she doesn't block me in this new opportunity. I really want it!

I will definitely keep you posted and hopefully there will be some awesome news down the road. Right now, I am just trying to make it through my shifts and hoping that each day, I still have a job to come to. Christi seems to be going through a firing and hiring phase!! All I can do is come in and do my job to the best of my ability and hope and pray that's enough!

Oh well, have a great night. I'm gonna take a nap!!! LOL!!! Not likely!