When Life gets you Down

So to say that life isn't always fair seems to be an accurate statement. When life gives you lemons, you need to make lemonade...another accurate statement. One that I am going to take to heart and really live by. In fact, I just may make a sign and hang it in my kitchen...that seems like a good place for food signs! Things are a little tough this week. We paid our rent and we paid the car payment....there is nothing left. Enough for a bridge pay on the phone and a half a tank of gas. We have next to no food in our house. In fact, there is a carton of eggs, cream cheese, grapes, oranges, onions, baked potatoes, and condiments in our fridge. That's it!! Oh, and I think a package of cheese. Not a whole lot to work with. I do have some frozen dinners...only 4, and a roast (but nothing to cook it in because my landlord didn't give us enough time to get everything out), and some ground beef. I like to cook and I like to have things that make cooking easier. When you take those things away, I can't do my job as a wife and a homemaker. I want to be able to provide dinner for my family (even if it's just Tony and I). I can't even open up a can of tuna because my can opener was at my old apartment....how is that going to work??? I don't have my sharp knives to cut up apples and make a fruit salad. Sometimes, life just stinks...That's why I am going to make my sign...in fact, I'm going to make it right now!!! I can do this! I can make lemonade out of lemons...even though I don't have any!! LOL! Away I go to make a motivational sign!! Just another way Tiffany gets to be creative!

An interesting perspective

Life has a way of changing on you whether you want it to or not. Tony and I still have our jobs, although he has been promoted recently to a lead position, at Barnes that we are pleased with. Mine is a little boring at times because I really don't have much to do but sit there and answer phones in the middle of the night. Sometimes it's a semi busy night, but most nights there can be a 10-15 minute lull in between phone calls so that's a lot of down time. Well, when I have downtime, I tend to get bored really fast. When I get bored, I spend money...money that we don't always have. So I have decided that I am going to go on a spending moratorium. Not for the basics of living but I'm not going to spend money on craft items...because let's face it...I have a TON of scrapbooking stuff that is just sitting in like 10 totes upstairs that need to be gone through and organized. I want to use it up. I want to be able to say that I am not wasting money anymore. Now, there are some basics that need to be kept up like adhesives and things like that. Those I know I don't have a ton of that will be used up and be replaced on a regular basis. I have had so much fun using some of the stuff that I already have. I made some really cute stuff already...and had a ton of fun doing it! I forgot how much I really like being creative. I feel so much happier when I have been able to have a creative outlet. Let's see if I can figure out how to download some of the stuff I worked on.... This is a bookmark that I made last night. I know my photographs aren't the best but it's all I have to work with! Anyway, this is made with 6mm swarovski crystals and copper headpins and daisy spacers. It's so freakin fun to make these! I love making bookmarks! A simple and fun creative outlet! Another thing that is fun to make are earrings. I have never really worn them but I like to make them. I must really like shiny things! Here are ones that I started last night but am unable to finish until I can get to a bead store to get some more crystals! So I'm still trying to figure out this whole picture placement thing on blogger...but at least you know can see what I'm talking about! These earrings are also made with swarovski crystals and are actually really really pretty. U can't really see the colors but they are lt violet AB, crystal AB, and lt sapphire AB 4mm crystals. I really like being creative. I like bright and bold colors too. What better way to be creative and have the color than making a quilt. I have actually never made a quilt before so this is a new experience for me. There really isn't much money in this quilt so far. I have been able to get everything on sale so far so it's been a ton of fun to work on. This is the only thing that I can spend money on until it's done. I could actually really use this quilt today....it's freakin cold here!!! This is going to be a fun project. I found a quilt pattern that I really liked and it seemed pretty easy to do. And since I have never done this before, easy is the way to go. Who knows, maybe I will rock at making quilts and really like doing it and will make some for family. You never know with me! So this has been a picture heavy blog but it's been fun! I hope you all enjoyed seeing my new projects!

Survival Mode

I want to start this off by first saying that I am in awe of women that have had children or that are getting ready to have babies. I think it's an amazing gift that Heavenly Father has bestowed upon them. I think that it is just awesome that they are able to have kids.

Now, with that being said....if you don't want to hear the rantings of a jealous women, then you just need to stop reading now because this is just not worth your time and energy.

Ok, so with that being said, I am sick and tired of hearing about all these women having kids. This is when the evil green monster rears his ugly head and my world comes crashing down into dust. There is one thing on this earth that I want more than anything. I hint at it all the time, but it's starting to consume me and I hate that it's starting to control my life. I hate that I am letting it but I don't know what else to do. I am tired of faking being happy for others because they are starting their family, or in some cases, having more kids.

Tony and I have been married now for 6 years. I know things have not been easy for us either financially or even in the way of housing and things like that...but I look at other peoples situations, and they are in the same boat as I am, and they are having babies. I know babies take a lot of money, but you know what....I know where my priorities lie. I WANT A KID! I want to have that bundle of joy. I want the added stresses that come with having a child. I want the connection to another human being. I love my husband...there is no question in my mind...but I feel like I have so much more to give. I feel like I haven't had the opportunity to show what I can really do and how much I really have to give.

I see all these women in my ward that have such beautiful children. I think about the parents going to school and all the women are working at supporting their families while the husbands are going to school to get their medical degrees. This is a tough time for them. Why is it that they can have families, and I can't?? I know I haven't been the best person that I can be...but I'm working on it. I know that there are some major health issues in my life, but I'm slowly working on getting them better. I know that life isn't fair. I know that probably better than some people. I also know that I don't know what goes on behind closed doors. I'm not naive. I know that everyone has their personal struggles.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that while I am happy for others that are starting their families, when is it my turn? Do I even get a turn? I think about adopting. I'm all for that, BUT, wow, the expense is ridiculous. I know that there is a lot of money involved in raising a child. I know that medical bills to have a child is high...but to adopt a child is crazy expensive. And you have to have it upfront....that's a lot to ask. I guess if you can come up with the adoption fee, than you won't have a problem taking care of a child....but still, when it's someone like me, who is dying to raise a family...it's just another road block to what i really want.

So, I know that this blog isn't going to be a popular one. I never thought it would be. I'm not looking for advice....I'm not even looking for sympathy. I'm just spouting because I'm sick and tired of the evil green monster lashing out.

So, I'm trying to find ways to survive these feelings. I would love to overcome them in general, but I don't think that's going to happen until I am able to start my own family.

There are so many articles out there...even in the new Ensign, there's an article about three couples and what they did to overcome their jealousy ( I guess you can call it). It's hard to be in a church where family is central and all I have is my husband. We are taught at a young age that we are to replenish the earth...all the young women are taught that family is important and that we need to have one....well, what about us that haven't been able to do what has been directed. I want to be that stay at home mom. I don't want a career...I'm sick of working. I want to be able to stay at home with my kids and watch them learn and grow. Is that so bad? How is it that all these unplanned pregnancies happen...or the child is abused and neglected...and they are stuck in homes where they aren't wanted? How come I can't have what I really want more than anything on this earth?

Anyway, all the self help books and articles just don't seem to help. I still want what I can't have and I guess I'll continue what I have always done....put on that fake smile, and congratulate the new mom. It's getting really old though. In fact, it down-right sucks.

Did you miss me???

It has been a long long time since I have written. I haven't had the internet available to me much so that's why I have been gone. Did ya miss me??? LOL!!

So many things have happened since I last blogged. Let's see....where shall I begin!

So my landlord cam to us one afternoon and told us that she needed us to move out. That she was giving us 60 days notice to find a new place to live. It was one of the those "holy crap" moments. We had planned on being there for a while. We liked living on the Hill. We loved the neighborhood and being able to walk to the different restaurants and markets. We loved being able to have our animals. This was like a tragedy to us. We knew something big was up. Tony and I had even said something along the lines of us getting kicked out. It's so funny....the Spirit totally prepared us for what was going to happen. After going through the emotions of shock then anger then shock and then even more anger, we decided that maybe this was for the best. That day, I started looking at different websites....trying to find a place to live. I was a Craigslist fanatic at that point. I wanted us out of the bad situation before it got worse. Being totally motivated to find a place to live, I went for it full steam ahead....contacting everyone at Church, trying to figure out who was moving and if they knew of any places that were available....Talking to the missionaries to see if they knew of places that were vacant. Everyone we knew was looking for us. There happens to be a guy in my ward who is a property manager for a rental company. We hooked up with him and he was able to find us something that I am in absolute heaven in. I LOVE my new place. We are now located in Soulard....just 2 blocks from the Soulard market. It's on the edge of some not so nice part of town, but you know, I feel totally safe here. Tony has been at work and left me home by myself at night and I have no problems falling asleep. I am able to have Athena out of her kennel for most of the day...she is only in there when we are gone. I totally love having her around. She definitely brightens my day. So do my kitties! They are so much fun to have around....and totally makes me laugh a ton!!!! It's pretty fabulous!!! I'm gonna have to see if I can post some pictures here of my new house!!!

That's been the main thing that has happened since I last blogged. I haven't been able to do any crafts or anything yet. We are still fixing things up here. But it's just amazing to me how blessed we really are. We are so lucky to have gotten this place. It's the type of place that I have always wanted...it's home to me....it feels like a home and not just a temporary spot. It's comfortable and I am in absolute heaven. We are so blessed to have found something that while it's a little bit more than what we were paying, we have been able to make all the payments so far...we do need to still come up with the security deposit, but we are working on that! I will pick up all the overtime that I need to stay in my new home. I love it here and nobody is taking it away from me!!! I also think the Lord wanted us to find this place. I think that we are supposed to be here. There were a lot of prayers said that we would find the right place for us so that we can be comfortable and be in one place while Tony is going to school. I'm not worried about what will happen after he's done. I want him to be able to go to school and not have to worry about things that are beyond our control...or things that are within our control either. I'm really happy to be where I am....I can't wait to have people over so that they can see my new place...i didn't feel that way before. I didn't feel like anyone would want to come over to my new place. I didn't feel like having people over because it was such a dismal place. I hated that my neighbor smoked and you could smell it in my house. I hated that he would have loud get togethers at his place. I heard everything. I heard and smelled it all....and I HATED it. I hated the smoke coming in to my place...it was embarassing. It made me feel dirty and I hate that feeling. I have more desire to keep this place clean. I want to take care of my house. I want to make my house a home. I want people to feel comfortable here. I want to feel comfortable here. Something Tony and I really want to make happen is having the missionaries over to eat at least once a month...that's something that we didn't get to really do at the other place because of the embarassing smoke smell in my house. I didn't want them to think it was us that was smoking. That's one of the reasons that I got into Scentsy...was to mask the smell from the neighbors. While I'm really grateful for the opportunity it gave us to get down here to the city, I am really grateful that we stuck it out and was able to find a place that feels comfortable to us and makes us feel at home!!!!!

Wow...can we say tangent!!! LOL!! Sorry. This is getting long so I will go but there is so much other stuff that I can't wait to share with you now that I have the internet! I am going to be working on getting my craft stuff organized so maybe I'll share some things that I have been working on. And I promise to post pictures some time soon of my new home so that you can all see them! But now, I'm going to say goodnight and I will talk to you all some other time!

Did you miss me?

So it seems like forever since I posted anything on this blog. Reason for that....so freakin busy!!! It's been a crazy last month or two. Not only have I not worked any overtime in 3 weeks, I have just been trying to survive. Things have been tough health-wise. I am soo tired all the time and I know what's causing it, I just haven't figured out how to fix it yet. I'm working on it though!!!

Anyway, I hope everyone had an awesome Christmas and New Years. I ended up working both of those holidays so while it wasn't fantastic, it wasn't too bad.

So I have been reading and talking to a lot of people about how their Christmas' went and everyone is saying the same thing. We just weren't feeling the season this year. It just seemed so commercialized and I just wasn't in the spirit. I know some of it was because I had to work but we didn't even go Christmas shopping until Christmas Eve. I did totally spoil Tony this year though. And I completely loved doing that. I just wish I could have kept going and money was no object...but it was and I eventually had to quit spending but I still had fun. Seeing his face when he opened up his WalMart bags...it was priceless! LOL!!! And yes, I did say WalMart bags...i don't wrap. I hate wrapping gifts so we both got ours in WalMart bags!!!

Before Christmas, we had an opportunity to go back to Oklahoma. It was great seeing people we haven't seen in a lllloooonnnnggg time. We really had a good time...I mean, we did go for a funeral, but it was still nice to see everyone. We also got the apology we were looking for which is nice...now if only my family members would believe us....anyway, that's another post that will probably never happen!

So I want to wish everyone a very Happy New Year and I promise to try and update more often. By the way, if you read this, you should comment! I would love to hear from you!!!

Just another busy week

Sometimes life just seems to spin out of control and there is nothing that I can do about it. I feel like I am in more control of life than I have been but it still feels overwhelming sometimes. Ah well, that's what makes life interesting. I am so excited to actually have a day off tomorrow so that I can get my house cleaned. I feel like I'm living in a barn at the moment! I plan on tackling a menu for the week so we don't have to go out very often. The problem with this plan is that I never want to cook!!! LOL!!! By the time I get a day off, I am so freaking tired that all I want to do is sleep. That's it..just crash and burn. Since I have this stupid cold thing, all I really want to do is sleep...but it's getting better and that's just fine with me.





So I got a new toy this last week. For the longest time I have wanted an iPod. I just have never had the money to get one. Well, since my awesome boss let's me have as much overtime as I can possibly stand, I was able to get one! So excited! I got an iPod touch with 32 gigs of memory! So freakin awesome!!!!!

That's my new toy!!! Isn't it pretty!!!??? LOL! Yes, I know i can be such a dork sometimes!!! I am such a music buff and having this makes work so much more interesting and fun! I love being able to look things up on the internet and listening to my kind of music instead of listening to other people's kind of music! I think I have downloaded over 150 songs to it already. And they are all legit downloads thank you very much! LOL!!!

So that's my exciting news for the week!

Oh, I forgot to mention my awesome job at Scentsy. I am having such a blast!!! I am almost to a certified consultant which means I will make more commission off of it. I only need $400 more. So exciting!!! So, if you are in the market for some Scentsy candles, let me know!! I will be happy to place an order for you!

Talk to you soon!

What a last few weeks!

Oh my goodness. It has been a crazy last few weeks. I am working non stop it seems like. I think in the last 4 weeks, I have only had like 3 days off. I am so busy but I'm loving it! I love my job so that makes things sooo much easier. I work with some awesome people and a great boss! I never realized how much that really does matter!

Anyway, I have been working crazy amounts of overtime. They either call me in or I volunteer to work. It just depends on how desperate they are! I was trying to have a week where I didn't have any overtime, but then I got a phone call and they were desperate for someone to work...that person was me! It's not that big of a deal. I was supposed to be off work on Thanksgiving too but then I found out that there was a bonus being offered...so naturally I snatched it up! I probably don't need to be working this much but the money is sooo nice. I haven't had to cook much which is nice but I am getting tired of eating out. I can only handle so many hamburgers from McDonalds you know!

My health hasn't been the best either. Not only have I been put on like 6 new medications, I am now facing the possibility of kidney failure. I'm in the beginning stages. Talk about a wake up call. I knew something was going on with my kidneys but everyone said that it was because my blood sugars were so high for so long...I knew that wasn't the case but they were doctors...they are supposed to know what's wrong right??? Whatever. Next time I'll just stick with my instincts and follow the Spirit. My doctor really wants me to go on this medication that has got me so freaked out. I am so lucky to have a bunch of residents in my ward so I went to my Elder's Quorum president, who is a 5th year resident, and between him and his brother, they came up with a couple of other medications that do the same things as the med that really has me freaked out. I think I'm going to talk to my doctor about trying those instead.

My kidneys aren't the only ones that are having problems. I can't seem to keep anything down and I have diarrhea so bad some days that it's just scary and I don't want to go anywhere. I'm wondering if my body is finally revolting against all the fried crap that we've been eating. I wanna try and take a few days off work and cook a ton of stuff that's healthy and yummy. Even if it's not like really really healthy, it's gotta be better than the fast food crap that we have been eating! So that's my goal for this next little while...trying to eat a little healthier!

So my husband is my hero! The man is almost done with his first semester of school. I am soo proud of him. He's averaging A's!!! He may have a few B's but I think that's completely ok!!!! I'm so proud. He finished his first aid class and got an A!!!! Go Sweehe! He is very proud of himself and I think that is totally awesome!

Well, hopefully life will start slowing down...although, I'm thinking that's not going to be very likely. I hope to be able to blog more often. I seem to be slacking at it again!!! I promise to be better!