Survival Mode

I want to start this off by first saying that I am in awe of women that have had children or that are getting ready to have babies. I think it's an amazing gift that Heavenly Father has bestowed upon them. I think that it is just awesome that they are able to have kids.

Now, with that being said....if you don't want to hear the rantings of a jealous women, then you just need to stop reading now because this is just not worth your time and energy.

Ok, so with that being said, I am sick and tired of hearing about all these women having kids. This is when the evil green monster rears his ugly head and my world comes crashing down into dust. There is one thing on this earth that I want more than anything. I hint at it all the time, but it's starting to consume me and I hate that it's starting to control my life. I hate that I am letting it but I don't know what else to do. I am tired of faking being happy for others because they are starting their family, or in some cases, having more kids.

Tony and I have been married now for 6 years. I know things have not been easy for us either financially or even in the way of housing and things like that...but I look at other peoples situations, and they are in the same boat as I am, and they are having babies. I know babies take a lot of money, but you know what....I know where my priorities lie. I WANT A KID! I want to have that bundle of joy. I want the added stresses that come with having a child. I want the connection to another human being. I love my husband...there is no question in my mind...but I feel like I have so much more to give. I feel like I haven't had the opportunity to show what I can really do and how much I really have to give.

I see all these women in my ward that have such beautiful children. I think about the parents going to school and all the women are working at supporting their families while the husbands are going to school to get their medical degrees. This is a tough time for them. Why is it that they can have families, and I can't?? I know I haven't been the best person that I can be...but I'm working on it. I know that there are some major health issues in my life, but I'm slowly working on getting them better. I know that life isn't fair. I know that probably better than some people. I also know that I don't know what goes on behind closed doors. I'm not naive. I know that everyone has their personal struggles.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that while I am happy for others that are starting their families, when is it my turn? Do I even get a turn? I think about adopting. I'm all for that, BUT, wow, the expense is ridiculous. I know that there is a lot of money involved in raising a child. I know that medical bills to have a child is high...but to adopt a child is crazy expensive. And you have to have it upfront....that's a lot to ask. I guess if you can come up with the adoption fee, than you won't have a problem taking care of a child....but still, when it's someone like me, who is dying to raise a family...it's just another road block to what i really want.

So, I know that this blog isn't going to be a popular one. I never thought it would be. I'm not looking for advice....I'm not even looking for sympathy. I'm just spouting because I'm sick and tired of the evil green monster lashing out.

So, I'm trying to find ways to survive these feelings. I would love to overcome them in general, but I don't think that's going to happen until I am able to start my own family.

There are so many articles out there...even in the new Ensign, there's an article about three couples and what they did to overcome their jealousy ( I guess you can call it). It's hard to be in a church where family is central and all I have is my husband. We are taught at a young age that we are to replenish the earth...all the young women are taught that family is important and that we need to have one....well, what about us that haven't been able to do what has been directed. I want to be that stay at home mom. I don't want a career...I'm sick of working. I want to be able to stay at home with my kids and watch them learn and grow. Is that so bad? How is it that all these unplanned pregnancies happen...or the child is abused and neglected...and they are stuck in homes where they aren't wanted? How come I can't have what I really want more than anything on this earth?

Anyway, all the self help books and articles just don't seem to help. I still want what I can't have and I guess I'll continue what I have always done....put on that fake smile, and congratulate the new mom. It's getting really old though. In fact, it down-right sucks.