I want to start this off by first saying that I am in awe of women that have had children or that are getting ready to have babies. I think it's an amazing gift that Heavenly Father has bestowed upon them. I think that it is just awesome that they are able to have kids.
Now, with that being said....if you don't want to hear the rantings of a jealous women, then you just need to stop reading now because this is just not worth your time and energy.
Ok, so with that being said, I am sick and tired of hearing about all these women having kids. This is when the evil green monster rears his ugly head and my world comes crashing down into dust. There is one thing on this earth that I want more than anything. I hint at it all the time, but it's starting to consume me and I hate that it's starting to control my life. I hate that I am letting it but I don't know what else to do. I am tired of faking being happy for others because they are starting their family, or in some cases, having more kids.
Tony and I have been married now for 6 years. I know things have not been easy for us either financially or even in the way of housing and things like that...but I look at other peoples situations, and they are in the same boat as I am, and they are having babies. I know babies take a lot of money, but you know what....I know where my priorities lie. I WANT A KID! I want to have that bundle of joy. I want the added stresses that come with having a child. I want the connection to another human being. I love my husband...there is no question in my mind...but I feel like I have so much more to give. I feel like I haven't had the opportunity to show what I can really do and how much I really have to give.
I see all these women in my ward that have such beautiful children. I think about the parents going to school and all the women are working at supporting their families while the husbands are going to school to get their medical degrees. This is a tough time for them. Why is it that they can have families, and I can't?? I know I haven't been the best person that I can be...but I'm working on it. I know that there are some major health issues in my life, but I'm slowly working on getting them better. I know that life isn't fair. I know that probably better than some people. I also know that I don't know what goes on behind closed doors. I'm not naive. I know that everyone has their personal struggles.
I guess what I'm trying to say, is that while I am happy for others that are starting their families, when is it my turn? Do I even get a turn? I think about adopting. I'm all for that, BUT, wow, the expense is ridiculous. I know that there is a lot of money involved in raising a child. I know that medical bills to have a child is high...but to adopt a child is crazy expensive. And you have to have it upfront....that's a lot to ask. I guess if you can come up with the adoption fee, than you won't have a problem taking care of a child....but still, when it's someone like me, who is dying to raise a family...it's just another road block to what i really want.
So, I know that this blog isn't going to be a popular one. I never thought it would be. I'm not looking for advice....I'm not even looking for sympathy. I'm just spouting because I'm sick and tired of the evil green monster lashing out.
So, I'm trying to find ways to survive these feelings. I would love to overcome them in general, but I don't think that's going to happen until I am able to start my own family.
There are so many articles out there...even in the new Ensign, there's an article about three couples and what they did to overcome their jealousy ( I guess you can call it). It's hard to be in a church where family is central and all I have is my husband. We are taught at a young age that we are to replenish the earth...all the young women are taught that family is important and that we need to have one....well, what about us that haven't been able to do what has been directed. I want to be that stay at home mom. I don't want a career...I'm sick of working. I want to be able to stay at home with my kids and watch them learn and grow. Is that so bad? How is it that all these unplanned pregnancies happen...or the child is abused and neglected...and they are stuck in homes where they aren't wanted? How come I can't have what I really want more than anything on this earth?
Anyway, all the self help books and articles just don't seem to help. I still want what I can't have and I guess I'll continue what I have always done....put on that fake smile, and congratulate the new mom. It's getting really old though. In fact, it down-right sucks.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Did you miss me???
It has been a long long time since I have written. I haven't had the internet available to me much so that's why I have been gone. Did ya miss me??? LOL!!
So many things have happened since I last blogged. Let's see....where shall I begin!
So my landlord cam to us one afternoon and told us that she needed us to move out. That she was giving us 60 days notice to find a new place to live. It was one of the those "holy crap" moments. We had planned on being there for a while. We liked living on the Hill. We loved the neighborhood and being able to walk to the different restaurants and markets. We loved being able to have our animals. This was like a tragedy to us. We knew something big was up. Tony and I had even said something along the lines of us getting kicked out. It's so funny....the Spirit totally prepared us for what was going to happen. After going through the emotions of shock then anger then shock and then even more anger, we decided that maybe this was for the best. That day, I started looking at different websites....trying to find a place to live. I was a Craigslist fanatic at that point. I wanted us out of the bad situation before it got worse. Being totally motivated to find a place to live, I went for it full steam ahead....contacting everyone at Church, trying to figure out who was moving and if they knew of any places that were available....Talking to the missionaries to see if they knew of places that were vacant. Everyone we knew was looking for us. There happens to be a guy in my ward who is a property manager for a rental company. We hooked up with him and he was able to find us something that I am in absolute heaven in. I LOVE my new place. We are now located in Soulard....just 2 blocks from the Soulard market. It's on the edge of some not so nice part of town, but you know, I feel totally safe here. Tony has been at work and left me home by myself at night and I have no problems falling asleep. I am able to have Athena out of her kennel for most of the day...she is only in there when we are gone. I totally love having her around. She definitely brightens my day. So do my kitties! They are so much fun to have around....and totally makes me laugh a ton!!!! It's pretty fabulous!!! I'm gonna have to see if I can post some pictures here of my new house!!!
That's been the main thing that has happened since I last blogged. I haven't been able to do any crafts or anything yet. We are still fixing things up here. But it's just amazing to me how blessed we really are. We are so lucky to have gotten this place. It's the type of place that I have always wanted...it's home to me....it feels like a home and not just a temporary spot. It's comfortable and I am in absolute heaven. We are so blessed to have found something that while it's a little bit more than what we were paying, we have been able to make all the payments so far...we do need to still come up with the security deposit, but we are working on that! I will pick up all the overtime that I need to stay in my new home. I love it here and nobody is taking it away from me!!! I also think the Lord wanted us to find this place. I think that we are supposed to be here. There were a lot of prayers said that we would find the right place for us so that we can be comfortable and be in one place while Tony is going to school. I'm not worried about what will happen after he's done. I want him to be able to go to school and not have to worry about things that are beyond our control...or things that are within our control either. I'm really happy to be where I am....I can't wait to have people over so that they can see my new place...i didn't feel that way before. I didn't feel like anyone would want to come over to my new place. I didn't feel like having people over because it was such a dismal place. I hated that my neighbor smoked and you could smell it in my house. I hated that he would have loud get togethers at his place. I heard everything. I heard and smelled it all....and I HATED it. I hated the smoke coming in to my place...it was embarassing. It made me feel dirty and I hate that feeling. I have more desire to keep this place clean. I want to take care of my house. I want to make my house a home. I want people to feel comfortable here. I want to feel comfortable here. Something Tony and I really want to make happen is having the missionaries over to eat at least once a month...that's something that we didn't get to really do at the other place because of the embarassing smoke smell in my house. I didn't want them to think it was us that was smoking. That's one of the reasons that I got into Scentsy...was to mask the smell from the neighbors. While I'm really grateful for the opportunity it gave us to get down here to the city, I am really grateful that we stuck it out and was able to find a place that feels comfortable to us and makes us feel at home!!!!!
Wow...can we say tangent!!! LOL!! Sorry. This is getting long so I will go but there is so much other stuff that I can't wait to share with you now that I have the internet! I am going to be working on getting my craft stuff organized so maybe I'll share some things that I have been working on. And I promise to post pictures some time soon of my new home so that you can all see them! But now, I'm going to say goodnight and I will talk to you all some other time!
So many things have happened since I last blogged. Let's see....where shall I begin!
So my landlord cam to us one afternoon and told us that she needed us to move out. That she was giving us 60 days notice to find a new place to live. It was one of the those "holy crap" moments. We had planned on being there for a while. We liked living on the Hill. We loved the neighborhood and being able to walk to the different restaurants and markets. We loved being able to have our animals. This was like a tragedy to us. We knew something big was up. Tony and I had even said something along the lines of us getting kicked out. It's so funny....the Spirit totally prepared us for what was going to happen. After going through the emotions of shock then anger then shock and then even more anger, we decided that maybe this was for the best. That day, I started looking at different websites....trying to find a place to live. I was a Craigslist fanatic at that point. I wanted us out of the bad situation before it got worse. Being totally motivated to find a place to live, I went for it full steam ahead....contacting everyone at Church, trying to figure out who was moving and if they knew of any places that were available....Talking to the missionaries to see if they knew of places that were vacant. Everyone we knew was looking for us. There happens to be a guy in my ward who is a property manager for a rental company. We hooked up with him and he was able to find us something that I am in absolute heaven in. I LOVE my new place. We are now located in Soulard....just 2 blocks from the Soulard market. It's on the edge of some not so nice part of town, but you know, I feel totally safe here. Tony has been at work and left me home by myself at night and I have no problems falling asleep. I am able to have Athena out of her kennel for most of the day...she is only in there when we are gone. I totally love having her around. She definitely brightens my day. So do my kitties! They are so much fun to have around....and totally makes me laugh a ton!!!! It's pretty fabulous!!! I'm gonna have to see if I can post some pictures here of my new house!!!
That's been the main thing that has happened since I last blogged. I haven't been able to do any crafts or anything yet. We are still fixing things up here. But it's just amazing to me how blessed we really are. We are so lucky to have gotten this place. It's the type of place that I have always wanted...it's home to me....it feels like a home and not just a temporary spot. It's comfortable and I am in absolute heaven. We are so blessed to have found something that while it's a little bit more than what we were paying, we have been able to make all the payments so far...we do need to still come up with the security deposit, but we are working on that! I will pick up all the overtime that I need to stay in my new home. I love it here and nobody is taking it away from me!!! I also think the Lord wanted us to find this place. I think that we are supposed to be here. There were a lot of prayers said that we would find the right place for us so that we can be comfortable and be in one place while Tony is going to school. I'm not worried about what will happen after he's done. I want him to be able to go to school and not have to worry about things that are beyond our control...or things that are within our control either. I'm really happy to be where I am....I can't wait to have people over so that they can see my new place...i didn't feel that way before. I didn't feel like anyone would want to come over to my new place. I didn't feel like having people over because it was such a dismal place. I hated that my neighbor smoked and you could smell it in my house. I hated that he would have loud get togethers at his place. I heard everything. I heard and smelled it all....and I HATED it. I hated the smoke coming in to my place...it was embarassing. It made me feel dirty and I hate that feeling. I have more desire to keep this place clean. I want to take care of my house. I want to make my house a home. I want people to feel comfortable here. I want to feel comfortable here. Something Tony and I really want to make happen is having the missionaries over to eat at least once a month...that's something that we didn't get to really do at the other place because of the embarassing smoke smell in my house. I didn't want them to think it was us that was smoking. That's one of the reasons that I got into Scentsy...was to mask the smell from the neighbors. While I'm really grateful for the opportunity it gave us to get down here to the city, I am really grateful that we stuck it out and was able to find a place that feels comfortable to us and makes us feel at home!!!!!
Wow...can we say tangent!!! LOL!! Sorry. This is getting long so I will go but there is so much other stuff that I can't wait to share with you now that I have the internet! I am going to be working on getting my craft stuff organized so maybe I'll share some things that I have been working on. And I promise to post pictures some time soon of my new home so that you can all see them! But now, I'm going to say goodnight and I will talk to you all some other time!
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